A question I get asked a lot by viewers (often quite shyly) is: but how do you know if the performer is actually enjoying it?
It’s a great question. The edgier the fantasy, the more important it is. I know that if I’m watching a severe paddling scene with lots of tears and struggling, I can’t fully relax and enjoy it if I fear that the performer may have been coerced, or genuinely pushed beyond their boundaries.
And yet I know from my own experience how hot it can be to be pushed just enough to really let go – including, yes, to the point of tears and struggling.
So how can you, as a discerning porn viewer who cares about consent, tell the difference?
After 20 years in the industry, on both sides of the camera (and both sides of the paddle), I’ve learned that there are dozens of small tells – and once you know how to see them, you can’t help seeing them. You watch porn differently. You watch people differently.
Here are five things I look for when I want to know if a performer is enjoying themselves on camera.
1. Smiles and laughter
This is the single most reliable tell, and you’re most likely to find it in candid scenes where the performers are being themselves rather than playing characters (in more somber scenes, they might be cut out to the outtakes). Smiles and laughter can absolutely happen in the same scene as pain, tears and struggling – and sometimes even at the same time. Some performers giggle after a stroke that feels especially good. Others exchange sassy banter in a contest to see who can make the other one grin first. A witty wisecrack might elicit a snort from the other player.
Even in consensual non-consent scenes, you might see grins breaking through when a performer is meant to be pretending to hate it. Vocal reactions that start out as involuntary pleasurable moans and are hastily amended to pained gasps. The joy spills out, an unfakeable signal of catharsis, connection, and enjoyment.
2. Open body language and active participation
A bottom who’s enjoying themselves makes it easy to top them. They angle their body to present themselves for more. They attend to their comfort, close their eyes, rest their head on their arms. They spread their legs and arch their back to proffer their bottom. Are their hands and feet tight and rigid, or relaxed and flexing in pleasure? Are the muscles of their back and shoulders bunched with tension, or soft in surrender? Are they leaning towards the top, or trying to pull away?
A bottom whose muscles are tight, shoulders hunched, bottom tucked under like an angry cat, face screwed up, trying to pull away, is emotionally uncomfortable or being pushed beyond their physical limit. That can be a part of a consensual resistance play scene, but if so, you want to see pre- and post-scene verbal negotiation to be sure of consent.
3. Eye contact, intimacy, affection
You can find moments of tenderness even in the heaviest scene. A look between performers that shows they’re attuned to each other. The top resting a reassuring hand on the bottom’s back between strokes. A kiss, a forehead-touch, a steadying hand squeeze. The bottom looking up at the top wide-eyed, with an expression of submissive abandon; or nuzzling the top’s hand. These tiny moments of connection are the non-verbal architecture that supports intensity, and demonstrates that both players are experiencing the scene as a source of connection and intimacy.
4. Theatricality, campness, flamboyance
This one might sound odd, but hear me out. When enthusiastic kinksters come together to enact a truly devilish edge-play scene, their enjoyment often comes through in an over-the-top theatricality. Embodying our inner villain and victim can be an opportunity for pantomime flamboyance: the wicked grin of the villain, the over-the-top oh nooooooo! of a bottom loving every second, the camp physicality that comes from performers who really want to be there giving the performance everything they’ve got. They might be acting out a serious story, but the vibe makes it clear how much fun they’re having doing so.
5. The top is paying attention
A skilled top monitors their bottom and adjusts constantly. They slow down when they sense the bottom needs a moment. They check in with the spankee’s eyes, hands, body language, and breath. The top might pause to whisper something inaudible to the viewer; they might notice when something has landed and pause to let the effects ripple through their play partner’s nervous system.
When you compare this empathic attunement with a top who’s running on autopilot, trying to show off, or egoistically following their own impulses without looking for signals from the bottom, the difference is palpable. Good tops are responsive, and that responsiveness creates safety.
There are more, of course: what sounds the bottom makes, verbal check-ins mid scene, etc. Some production studios make it easier than others – for example, by naming the performers, linking to their social media profiles so you can check out what they say about shooting and kink, and publishing performer interviews, outtakes, and behind the scenes material so you can get to know the performers out of character and get a sense of the vibe on set.
If you care about whether the performers in the porn you watch are enjoying themselves, the best thing you can do is choose content from studios that go out of their way to make consent transparent. Which, of course, means paying for your porn – because these accompanying materials are so often left out when videos are pirated or shared without permission on tube sites.
But even without them, these five tells will get you a long way.
And the same skill – reading the body language and nervous system of a performer in porn – is one of the most valuable things you can develop as a top, a bottom, or honestly, just a person who interacts with other humans. This is sometimes called congruent consent: the body language yes that reinforces a verbal yes, because a verbal yes accompanied by body language no isn’t a real yes at all.
Now here’s the bit that might surprise you.
These same signals don’t only work to tell if anyone you’re interacting with is having a good time – they also work with yourself. They’re how you tell, for instance, whether you’re genuinely enjoying an edgy fantasy that tests your comfort zone, or whether your imagination has got away from you and you’ll have more fun if you redirect it.
When you watch porn, or enjoy a fantasy, is your chest and gut soft, or tense? Does it feel playful and self-expressive, or more like a grimly determined “I’ve started so I’ll finish”? Are you present to your body’s sensations, or have you detached and gone somewhere else?
This is the somatic literacy that makes you the boss of your own erotic mind, instead of the other way round. And it’s one of the skills I teach. I call it Erotic Mindfulness, and if you’re interested in trying it, have a listen to my free 30-minute Erotic Mindfulness Meditation – and reply to this email to let me know what you think.
Whatever you do with this information – watching your next porn video, fantasising in the bath, or just paying a little more attention to someone’s body language next time you’re wondering if they like you – I hope it’s useful.
ps. We’ll be doing an Erotic Mindfulness deep dive in my 8-week erotic shadow immersion Forbidden Fruit. It’s for fierce femmes & thems who are done wrestling with their taboo turn-ons: 8 weeks to get clear on the ethics of your dark fantasies and reclaim your exiled power through Erotic Parts Work – so that what you’ve been hiding becomes what makes you magnetic. Not only that, but I’m giving away epic bonuses including two 1-hour 1-1 coaching sessions with me and a golden ticket to my 20 Year Porniversary Conscious Kink Celebration to each person who signs up before Friday.
Successful applicants get close proximity to me, membership to an intimate group of gloriously likeminded weirdos, and a new way of relating to your taboo turn-ons – grounded, self-trusting, and utterly secure. We start in the second week of June; all the sexy bonuses end Friday 29 May.
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