It was my second date with Molly Malone, and I was late. An hour late. I couldn't phone or text to let her know I was on my way, because I'd lost my phone coming home from my US trip earlier in the month, and didn't have a new one yet. So she sat in the pub for an hour, not knowing if I was coming, wondering what sort of headgame I might be playing, while I dashed across London cursing and kicking myself for not having any way of contacting her.
When I finally arrived I was hugely apologetic, but understandably she was pretty upset. I knew how she felt; I'd been the one left waiting in her position before, and it was no fun at all. I'd been really looking forward to seeing her, and now it looked like I'd ruined the evening before it had begun.
I groveled and promised to spoil her rotten to make it up for it, but I'd cocked up big time - and might have messed up this brand new, exciting connection before it even got started. What if she didn't want to see me again?
I don't remember which of us first suggested corporal punishment as a possible way to resolve the situation. Thinking back, I'm hugely grateful that she was willing to offer me the option - a way out, the opportunity for catharsis, forgiveness. We agreed that twelve cold cane strokes would be a fair tally. I bent over the back of the sofa for them. It had been a long time since I felt as if I genuinely deserved, and needed, a punishment.
This wasn't domestic discipline within a pre-negotiated dom/sub relationship. It was spur of the moment crisis management. But it was invaluable. It did exactly what we'd hoped it would: cleared the air, rekindled intimacy and affection, restored our sense of humour. Molly felt miles better after giving me a thorough beating for wasting her time and leaving her hanging. And knowing I'd paid fair and square for my poor behaviour, so did I.
When I invited her to shoot with Dreams of Spanking a month later, we needed a storyline for a simple domestic F/F scene with me on the receiving end. We decided to keep it real and re-enact my punishment from a couple of weeks ago. Unfortunately, since I needed to not be marked afterwards, we couldn't re-enact the caning - so we made it a hard hand spanking instead. And trust me, Molly has a strong right arm - this was hard.
Watching and editing this video was poignant for me. I'm sad to say that this wasn't the last time I cocked up and hurt Molly with selfish, careless behaviour. This wasn't the worst, either. The incident that broke us up, only a few weeks later, was far worse than being late for a date, and not one that could be healed with cathartic punishment spanking. I did something really bad, and it was a huge learning experience for me in taking responsibility for my behaviour. Molly has accepted my apologies and we're friends again now, but watching this video was bittersweet. I can't help feeling that I was nowhere near contrite enough in the roleplay, and that she was nowhere near severe enough with me - but perhaps that's just residual guilt talking.
Sharing your real life love affairs, discipline dynamics and relationships in porn can be great fun and hugely fulfilling, and it gives me the chance to express myself through art, without artifice. But it can be painful as well as pleasurable. That's the price you pay.
This is a very real, very personal expression of a bittersweet moment in a short relationship that left a lasting impression. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to watch it without a sense of regret. There are some things spanking can't heal - but for the day-to-day hurts and hiccups, it can be surprisingly powerful. This film is the true story of how consensual discipline can create positive change, a way out of a tricky emotional situation, redemption and healing. As spanking videos go, it doesn't get much more real than this.