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Pardon me, but my straight privilege is showing

Author’s Note:
I’m going to do something I try to never do when I write: I’m going to preface this article. I wouldn’t usually, but the material is personal and incomplete and may seem a bit rambling and disconnected. However, I suspect that I’m not alone in the questions and conclusions that I’m mulling over, so please bear with me and hopefully there’s a kernel or two that resonates or contributes to a bigger conversation. 

When I set out to watch Fetish Fvckdolls 2 (which if you haven’t watched it, I’d encourage you to do so at your earliest convenience) I wasn't expecting it to be a big deal. I’ve blogged here before about how watching porn that’s “not your usual taste” or incongruent with your own desires is interesting and can be enlightening. I was pretty sure that a collaboration by queer and trans performers like Fetish Fvckdolls 2 would be just that: interesting, but not my cup of tea. 

Why? Well, I’m a straight-identifying, dominant-leaning cisgender woman who almost exclusively watches gay male chastity porn. Specific? Yup. And really kind of a world away from transfemme submission, which is the overarching  main theme running through the four vignettes in Fetish Fvckdolls 2. You can see then how I might have thought that my interest in the film would be purely academic. Interestingly, it was not.   

River Enza at the mercy of Goddess Kyaa and Dominic Rystan at Dreams of Spanking

Now, I’m not here to say that this film changed me, nor should the incomplete epiphanies on sexuality that I’m sharing here be mistaken for me jumping on a bandwagon. Neither of those are true. What does feel true, is that I’m feeling really aware of my straight privilege after watching this film. 

If you’re a straight person and that term makes you uncomfortable … I feel you. But it should make you uncomfortable. Privilege is a pervasive and dangerous thing when not acknowledged. Honestly, how two-dimensional of me to discount a film like Fetish Fvckdolls 2 as something that couldn’t touch me, something that I wouldn’t be able to identify with! How ridiculous and heteronormative of me to presume that I wouldn’t relate to these scenes. If it was mainstream lesbian porn (you know, the kind performed by cis women for the straight male gaze) would I have been so dismissive? Probably not, because I’m a straight woman who has had sex with other straight women and I’m blisteringly aware of the weight of the male gaze. But I presumed that I wouldn’t relate, or be aroused, by this. 

Confused and intrigued, I discussed my bias with my husband, who has recently (or in his words: finally) self-identified as asexual. He watched part of Fetish Fvckdolls 2 with me and commented immediately that he hadn’t even noticed that the performers were trans until the fourth vignette because he was witnessing them as human beings, rather than sexual fantasies. I was surprised by that, because for me transfemme visibility is the point of the project. He asked what would make a film like Fetish Fvckdolls 2 more “my kind of porno”. I didn’t have an answer because I was processing that actually, this is my kind of porn.  

Confused? Me too. 

Chelsea Poe sucks Pandora Blake's strap-on at Dreams of Spanking

How could I think that gay male chastity porn is more relatable to me than porn that has trans women at the heart of it? Am I secretly kind of a bigot? But I know and love so many queer and trans people! Am I not as straight as I thought? Maybe, but that’s not the primary concern for me. The concern is that even though I think I know so much about sexuality, it turns out I don't know as much as I thought. 

Yes, yes, we like what we like. The heart/loins want what they want. But it’s becoming evident to me now that the shackles of straight privilege (ie: never having to consider your sexuality or have it challenged, because it’s the cultural default setting) are just that: shackles. 

What Fetish Fvckdolls 2 taught me about myself is that heteronormative thinking is limiting because the definitions are so static. “Straight” doesn’t leave much room for variety. Any “exploration” within straight sexuality is expected to be episodic, or at the most, a phase. So when, as a “straight” person, I watched this film, it was a bit dizzying to not see the performers as fantasy objects, and to relate to them on a human level. It revealed to me things I hadn't known before about how objectifying my gaze tends to be.

Fetish Fvckdolls 2 is radical and fresh. It puts trans women at the center of each encounter. Not only are they the subjects of their own experience, they are shown in willing and delighted submission. Not here the degrading porn tropes that cast trans women as exotic freaks with hard cocks, or strip them of autonomy - no, the trans women in Fetish Fvckdolls 2 are very clearly represented as the people they are. Full stop.

Cookie Cosmos submits to Rae Cosmos at Dreams of Spanking

I learned that my erotic appetite, regardless of whom I choose to get frisky with, is essentially about the treatment and experience of the people involved, not the combination of bodies I see on the screen. I began to reflect on what turns me on and what turns me off in adult entertainment: it’s not the bodies at all. It’s the dynamics. I haven’t ignored trans porn in the past because it was trans. I've ignored it because when it’s badly done, it’s so likely to be dehumanising.

Fetish Fvckdolls 2 has been made with such smart and mindful intentions by everyone involved that the sexiness absolutely transcends all notions of genre and the limitations of what I thought I could be into. I  watched the film three times. It’s 90 minutes long. It took me almost 5 hours of watching this film and then more time processing the experience for me to begin to get my head around these personal biases and blindspots. 

What I have learned from Fetish Fvckdolls 2, what I’m so glad to begin to understand about myself, is that I like porn because I watching people fuck. Not just men, not just straight people, not just cishet couples. What I don’t like in porn is mindless and narrowly conceived narratives, and hegemonic control of my gaze. I’m not comfortable knowing that I have been a contributor to that mindlessness, a cog in the wheel of a cultural and artistic system that holds people back, misrepresents them and strips them of humanity, no matter how subtle the effect seems to be. 

Having realised that, I want to do better. I know that I won’t always get it right, but only good can come from growth and empathy. And besides, if nothing else, a whole new world of porn just opened up to me, so if you’ll forgive me, I have some catching up to do … 

It's coming...

After a quiet year, I have some big news.

Chelsea Poe and Blake in queer porn film Velvet Touch

I filmed this scene in March with queer porn stars Chelsea Poe and Courtney Trouble. Here's what I wrote after the shoot:

I’m stretching my creative wings again with some new queer porn collaborations. Last weekend I filmed a scene with Courtney Trouble and Chelsea Poe with me and Chelsea performing together, which was a dream come true. I have a massive porn crush on Chelsea and we had so much fun. Our scene was (of course!) very kinky and involved butch/femme dynamics, spanking, flogging, makeouts, Chelsea making me squirt everywhere with her fingers and tongue (she kept asking me to cum on her tits, which I’ve never done before - it was very horny) and me sitting on and fucking her face with my cock until we were both drenched in jizz. Chelsea had to hop in the shower afterwards to rinse my cum out of her hair. It was so great to connect with her and I hope we get to work together again.

Courtney, who was our videographer, was so great to work with and made everything super easy. They were warm, sweet and welcoming, delightfully enthusiastic about my gender expression, and helped me get over my nerves. I stopped getting regular pre-shoot anxiety ages ago, but it was a bit scary shooting with two porn icons whom I’ve admired from afar for years. I’m so so glad to have worked with them both and can’t wait to release the finished scene, which is a collaboration and will be distributed through QueerPorn.tv, Dreams of Spanking and other channels.

It's coming. And so are we...

Chelsea Poe and Blake in queer porn film Velvet Touch

Orgasm control and what feels natural

A couple of weeks ago, when I had the pleasure of introducing you to Zak Jane Keir and Charlie Forrest’s style of loving dominance, there was something pretty significant I was holding back: the ending.

Part one was a gorgeous sensual spanking – with all the kissing, touching and caressing that makes me fall in love with spanking videos that feature real-life BDSM play partners. But I was also itching to tell you about part two…

I held back from revealing too much of what (and who) comes in part 2. There are so many moments of hotness: Charlie’s straining erection, aching desire, and that subtle gasp-moan as he tries not to come. Sometimes it’s hard to hold back, but I managed it, so today I get to talk to you about the second part of Zak and Charlie’s scene, and the beauty of orgasm control.

Femdom orgasm control in Please, Mistress at Dreams of Spanking

Orgasm control is one of those kinks that I feel everyone must understand. Regardless of whether they participate in it, the key lust triggers are things that most sexual people have experienced at some point in their life. The look on the face of someone who is desperate to orgasm, or the throbbing sensation in your own cock or cunt as you’re balanced precariously on the edge. At points wondering if you’ll be able to restrain yourself or you’ll just explode everywhere.

The second part of Charlie and Zak’s scene captures all of this – much of it through Zak’s eyes. We get her point of view, looking down or up at Charlie’s face as he bites his lip. We get lingering, delicious close-ups of his cock, which is rock-solid and twitching in anticipation of permission.

“Please may I come, mistress?”

That phrase is loaded with so much – especially in light of the playful way Zak’s been teasing Charlie with her hands, mouth, and breasts. It’s not just a polite request, or a ritual, or an impassioned plea: it’s also performative. Charlie knows, even in the moment when he’s so turned on he has to rush to get the words out all in one quick breath, that he has a role to play too. His role is to come exactly when – and only when – Zak allows it.

Femdom orgasm control in Please, Mistress at Dreams of Spanking

But the beauty of Zak and Charlie’s style of loving dominance is that orgasm control doesn’t have to follow the strict (and samey) roles that you’d expect from mainstream porn: he begs, she says no, he comes anyway, she beats him. Or from a Top 10 Ways To Dominate Someone advice guide: tease, deny, let him come explosively, then reward him afterwards. No, Zak pushes Charlie through one explosive orgasm, as he moans and screws his face up at the cathartic feeling of pleasure and failure. And then… she comforts him and consoles with the same soft words and gentle admonishment that you’d expect from a partner who knew their lover well.

Orgasm control is often something that you think of in one particular way: we know the rules and how it goes, and expect certain things. But Zak and Charlie have a natural flow, and their natural flow seems to come not from a standard checklist of things to do or say, but from what feels utterly right to them in the moment. Yesterday Charlie wrote an incredible blog post – about belonging and not belonging, and how his experience shooting porn with Zak and Pandora made him feel.

“I felt indestructible after that, a feeling that what we'd done was something I could be truly proud of. I was filled with the idea of a sort of defiant vulnerability, if that makes sense? Because in that moment I was utterly unapologetically me. Not the cleaned up compromised presentable version, but me as I am.”

Femdom orgasm control in Please, Mistress at Dreams of Spanking

Defiant vulnerability is such a brilliant way to put it. The way Charlie looks when Zak pushes him through his first orgasm, and even as she contemplates wringing a second out of his trembling body. I won’t spoil the surprise as to whether that happens, because the incredible thing about Zak and Charlie is that whatever unfolds, it all feels natural. From the initial teasing and sensual spanks right through to orgasm – somehow not what you expect, but so perfect that when it happens you know it’s exactly right.

Sorry, I’ve gone on about it there in probably far too much detail when I’m sure you’re itching to just watch the awesome, orgasmic scene already. Like I said at the beginning, though: sometimes it's hard to hold back.

Entangled

For Valentine's Day this year I published a very special photoset - some candid, hardcore shots of me and D in the bedroom, doing what we do best.

The plan was to shoot a series of arty couple nudes with photographer Matt Christie, body shapes and so on - and that's how this photoset starts out. But it wasn't long before things started taking a very different direction.

Tenderness, humour and spontaneous passion...

Tangled With You

We started out shooting couple nudes, but D and I can't keep our hands off each other. Skin to skin, our bodies tangle as we kiss and the temperature rises. Real love, real lust, and real, spontaneous sex. 

Tenderness, humour and spontaneous passion... Tenderness, humour and spontaneous passion...
Tenderness, humour and spontaneous passion... Tenderness, humour and spontaneous passion...

Leaning in for a kiss, I was surprised when D grabbed a fistful of my hair. Sparks flew, and suddenly a sweet romantic photoshoot took on a kinkier flavour. 

Tenderness, humour and spontaneous passion... Tenderness, humour and spontaneous passion...
Tenderness, humour and spontaneous passion...

Gentle spooning and cuddling became D pinning me facedown on the bed, hand over my mouth. Laughter mingled with the sizzling chemistry of our dominant/submissive connection.

Tenderness, humour and spontaneous passion... Tenderness, humour and spontaneous passion... Tenderness, humour and spontaneous passion...

We didn't plan to shoot explicit sex photos, but when D and I are in the room a hot fuck is only ever a heartbeat away. These pictures document real love, real lust, and real, joyful sex.  

Valentine's Spankings

Our latest update is an affirming, consensual film about how spanking can help romantic harmony even when times are hard, in which Nimue Allen and Sebastian Hawley play a young couple struggling to pay the bills.

Click to view trailer for Beat%20the%20Recession

Beat the Recession

Work is in short supply, and it's been a stressful few months for Nimue and Sebastian. But after a successful interview Sebastian has finally got a job, and their worries are over. They can't afford to go out on the town, so instead they stay in and indulge in some joyful, cathartic spanking for celebration and stress relief. A playful, consensual switch scene featuring both F/M and M/F spanking, including over the knee hand spanking, leather strap and cane.

I think this is an adorable little film, beautifully acted by Nimue and Sebastian - both true switches with a genuine love of spanking.

Beat the Recession at Dreams of Spanking, starring Nimue Allen and Sebastian Hawley Beat the Recession at Dreams of Spanking, starring Nimue Allen and Sebastian Hawley

All credit goes to PrefectDT, writer of the blog SpankedHortic, for writing this lovely storyline, which I think many of us can identify with in the current economic climate.

I'm really enjoying exploring the different facets of affirming, positive spanking at the moment, spanking for pleasure rather than punishment or discipline.

Beat the Recession at Dreams of Spanking, starring Nimue Allen and Sebastian Hawley

In this switch scenario we see two subtlely different approaches to relaxation spanking: first Nimue's stress relief spanking, a way for her to let go of all the accumulated stress and responsibility of money worries, put herself into Sebastian's hands and stop being the one in charge for a little while. Once she is refreshed, she proposes a reward spanking for the clever young man with the new job. This time it is about pure pleasure and satisfaction. For both of them, the play session marks a cathartic turning point, the end of a bad time and the start of a better one.

After all, spanking is free and can be done with items found around the house. All you need is a little time, a little imagination, and a little love.

Beat the Recession at Dreams of Spanking, starring Nimue Allen and Sebastian Hawley Beat the Recession at Dreams of Spanking, starring Nimue Allen and Sebastian Hawley
Beat the Recession at Dreams of Spanking, starring Nimue Allen and Sebastian Hawley Beat the Recession at Dreams of Spanking, starring Nimue Allen and Sebastian Hawley

Meanwhile, Vixen Ladies has a steamy Valentine's Day couple spanking that combines pain and pleasure, spanking and sex. I like the heart shaped paddle, and the way both partners have matching nipple piercings.


Love, lust and a leather belt

I'm still a bit behind on my blogging, but I'm going to bump our latest photoset to the top of the queue just because.

This is the second ever hardcore scene I've made, and it was shot on the same day as the first one, Snip Snip, with our good friend Tricia behind the camera.

D and I played this scene straight after Snip Snip, and it was significantly less staged; I'd known more or less what I'd wanted out of the scissors scene, but for this one we just moved the mirrors from D's bedroom into his living room, where we had a bit more space to play with, and improvised. All I knew was that I wanted to capture something of D's and my sexual relationship, a candid glimpse into our real life play. Mirrors, high heels and leather belts are all recurring features. (The bookcase porn is fairly emblematic, too.)

D and I looked at these photos together in chat this evening, and aside from a bit of light-hearted self-deprecation, we both enjoyed going through the finished gallery. He particularly liked the frequency with which we grin at each other in these photos (no serious BDSM porn here!); the scratches on my back by which he had marked his ownership; and the interesting effect of seeing himself reflected in the mirror, but not in the foreground.

I complimented him on his good belting action, ably photographed by Tricia, and told him how hot it was to see his erection tenting his jeans while he thrashes me. I also enjoyed the erotic subtlety of the photos in which our fucking is not visible in the foreground; only glimpsed in the mirror, out of focus.

My hope is that these photos express genuine love, lust and affection in a real life dominant/submissive power exchange. They also feature a far wider range of activities than most scenes on this site (as the tag list suggests!). From foot kissing to cock worship; the way D wraps the belt around my throat and uses it to control my breathing and movements as he kisses me, slaps and licks my breasts, and guides my head to his cock; being spanked with that wooden ruler over the knee, colouring not only my upraised bottom but my tender inner thighs as he spreads my legs and slowly smacks his way up each one, his other hand pressing into my wetness.

D and I very much enjoyed looking through these photos together, and are inspired to organise another couple shoot. (I'm still not sure he's comfortable appearing on video, and don't want to pressure him, but perhaps one day he'll surprise me.) I think this photo gallery encapsulates something real, and very hot, about our relationship. I hope you enjoy this glimpse into our intimate kinky lives.

Intimate hardcore

I'm not a fan of the commercialisation of Valentine's Day, so was reluctant to join the throngs of marketeers insisting that the primary objective of the 14th of February was to have hot romantic sex with a lover, and their product could best help you achieve this. On the other hand, the date provided an ideal opportunity to step up the steaminess on this site a notch or two.

D and I shot our first ever boy/girl sex scene, Snip Snip (bonus points to anyone who can spot the reference) a couple of years ago, with photographer Tricia Sullivan. She's an old friend, and there was little of us she hadn't seen before. Actually if you're at all nervous about shooting hardcore porn for the first time I can recommend getting a friendly ex-lover behind the camera - none of us are particularly prone to sexual embarrassment, but our familiarity with each other definitely made things easier.

We played two scenes that day, both shot at home in natural light, both very candid and unrehearsed in feel. I'd say "amateur" if Tricia's photography wasn't of such a high professional standard; D and I certainly felt like a couple doing their thing rather than models performing for the camera.

As yet, this is the only sexually explicit shoot I've been on, but Tom and I are already talking about what we want to do for our first sex and spanking film (D isn't yet comfortable appearing in video, which is why he and I have only done photosets together so far). In seven years of doing professional modelling, I've always maintained boundaries and have never shot penetrative material for any other producer, wanting to keep work at this level exclusive to my own productions. The closest I'd come (erm... as it were) was going down on Lady Sonia's strap-on on my last shoot with her.

So, as a first time for both of us fucking on camera, and a rare sort of update for this website, I felt it deserved a special occasion. And when I realised the cut-away dress had accidentally formed a heart shape around my bottom, I couldn't resist the temptation to make it my Valentine's Day update. After all, you don't need to be partnered to enjoy porn.

As producer, I'd told D I wanted a scene which included a dress being cut or ripped off me, followed by some spanking. We'd also agreed between us that we were happy for things to get intimate if the mood took us. Beyond that, I handed control over to him and followed his lead. I trusted Tricia to capture the results on camera without my direction. The happy consequence was that I was able to turn my producer brain entirely off (much easier for photos than video), and D and I were able to sink deeply into our D/S connection without distraction. 

So for me, this scene was very real, very electric, and extremely arousing. The cold steel of the scissors. My hyper-sensitive focus on each area of skin as it was revealed, turning entirely new parts of my body into erogenous zones. D's warm hands and tongue contrasted with the shivery threat of the blades, which were particularly affecting when trailed near my nipples and neck.

Feeling the scissors cutting the fabric around my bottom to expose just that area was particularly hot. 

Hands bound above my head, the glass coffee table was not the most comfortable thing to lie on, but I felt pleasantly exposed and helpless. I remember finding the caning more difficult than I'd expected, and only later, when I saw the photos, realised that it had actually been quite hard. 

At the time, it felt like we had indulged ourselves far more than is appropriate on a professional shoot, and I wasn't convinced that the resulting images would be publishable. I was pretty sure that the more sexual shots would be unflattering. But I'd had so much fun that I didn't care too much, and was happy to treat it as a learning curve.

So it was a delightful shock the first time I saw the pictures and realised the extent of Tricia's talents. I had no idea that it was possible for me to look good while fucking, especially when not thinking particularly about what I looked like. In fact, that unself-conscious honesty is my favourite thing about this photoset. Yes, I look into the lens from time to time; but the hottest images, for me, are the ones where D and I are drinking each other in, gazes locked, kissing or laughing or fucking or all three.

The scissors, the tease of exposed skin and the cane welts are all hot, but for me the most strongly evocative imagery is the pink flush on my neck and chest while I'm sucking D's cock; the one my lovers can use to guage when I'm approaching orgasm.

I'm not planning to steer Dreams of Spanking entirely in a sexually explicit direction: this sort of scene will be an occasional treat. I will only ever shoot hardcore scenes with real couples, because I find that genuine intimacy, affection and spark of sexual chemistry absolutely essential to enjoy fucking in porn. I also only really like hardcore scenes that include spanking as foreplay, so that makes it easy to put CP at the centre of any explicit scenes we shoot in future.

I'm excited and nervous to share so much online for the first time. But proud, too: there's nothing artificial about this. When D and I play, this is what it looks like. This is us at our most honest. 

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